I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
