So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Randomize
