It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
