my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
No subtext here. People are naked.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
