and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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