I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
