I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
