So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
