How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
