We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
