Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
now i know why i became what i already was.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
