I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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