I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
