I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
