just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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