Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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