how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
