he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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