Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
