She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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