Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
