It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
