My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
