He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
