I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
