That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
