M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
