I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
