My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
last night I used snow as a chaser
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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