Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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