I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
