Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
