wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
