He kissed a someone with a penis
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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