At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
