yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
not ubering you a puppy
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
