If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
