I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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