All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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