Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
