Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
