I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
