I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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