i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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