weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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