By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
