i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
