I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
