I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
