my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
