did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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