Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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