So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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