Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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